i love you always hurts worst

some days i sit in my room and cry with a smile on my face that says dang i miss those days. when you were my everything. when you held my heart. when everytime you looked at me my heart sunk. when i could lay in your arms and i felt nothing bad. when every moment i spent with you was something to remember for the rest of my life.some days i sit in my room and cry til i have nothing left in me. til every ounce of strength i have is no longer with me. til my heart is so crushed that its not even my heart anymore.somedays i make myself look at the pictures; the memories. just to make sure i dont forget you. to make sure ill always remember the summer your life became part of mine. to remember every touch of your hand; every kiss of your lips; every breath that came from the person who was my heart holder. my bestfriend. my first true love.
at times i wonder what i did. what i as an individual did so wrong to make you leave. to push you away from me. then i start to think; what if every moment i spent wondering and crying and pushing myself farther into this hole that didnt seem to stop but i spent it laughing and smiling and doing things that made me happy. instead of needing to hear your voice or look at something more beautiful than words could ever explain. and i took THAT time for me. to make myself a closed whole instead of an empty one the only kept getting deeper.what if i only kept wondering with the bad or the insanity i kept with myself? what if i took every hurt i ever felt. every weakness my heart and body came to. and i ran with it. i through it into the whole i dug myself into. i took the strength i lost and fought for it. fought for me instead of trying to fight for you? pushed myself ahead instead of pulling myself back to keep up with you.maybe my life has more of a meaning to it than just fighting for everyone elses strength, love, and challenges. and faced my own challenges, take biiger steps everytime i pushed myself further, used my strength to fight for the love i deserve.the love that one day ill have and itll be more perfect that i ever thought it could be. what if i could be myself again, and for once do for me and not you.